We are down to 8 guys. Where did the time go? And how is Cody still here? Apparently, even Andi doesn’t know why Cody is here because this poor guy still has not had a one-on-one date. Instead, grumpy Normcore Nick got the first one-on-one date this week.

Cody’s experience has made me realize that I could absolutely, under no circumstances, ever go on The Bachelor (so stop asking me, Chris Harrison). He has been on this reality show for six weeks, waiting to date this woman, and has had NO time with her. I can barely handle going a few days after a date without contact, let alone six weeks.—I just can’t imagine dealing with this shit. I hope he at least got to tour around Venice in that bro tank. You deserve it, ‘roided out Macklemore.

I enjoyed Nick at the beginning, but he was the absolute worst last week, so I have fallen off the Nick train. Also, Andi keeps saying he’s the hottest thing she’s ever seen, which confuses me. Not only is he not great looking (sorry, bro) but he can’t even wear a scarf. I don’t know if y’all can tell but I really appreciate a man who can pull of great neck ware.

And while we are on the subject of scarves, I have great news: #ScarfOfJosh is trending on Twitter. It would appear I am not alone, here. You’re welcome.

But I digress.

Andi and Nick do seem to have chemistry. This date was pretty smooth, and far less awkward than other dates we’ve seen. But I just cannot get behind it. When she said he looked like a prince in his tux I let out an audible chuckle. What am I missing here?!

So, 2 individual dates in, and Nick is already able to say that he’s falling in love with Andi. Here’s the second reason I can’t be on this show (seriously, ABC, give it up). These two people still know nothingabout each other. Andi described him as a “front-runner” on this date—the most gamey game show vocab you can get. But he’s falling in love with her? Not a chance! Right?

Side note, I saw on Instagram that her ball gown split right down the back on this date and she had to get literally glued in. You know, just your regular Saturday night out.

Speaking of regular dates… The group date is a lie detector date? I struggle to use the word date here because yikes. Josh M. posed the greatest philosophy question of the day: if you trust someone, why do you even need a lie detector test?

The questions were simple enough: Are you good in bed? Have you had sex with more than 20 people? Do you wash your hands after you go the bathroom? Obviously, are you here for the right reasons? Da fuq? The important questions like do you want children, are you ready to get married, are you honest—these should be found out organically. Props to her for ripping the answers up—but this was still a bonkers date.

Despite the misleading ABC trailers, we learn that sweet baby Chris wasn’t hiding a secret, he was hiding that he was her secret admirer! He’s such a nugget, that Chris. Homeboy doesn’t even need to say the words—he told Andi that he had a secret and she just knew. He doesn’t have any crazy secrets. He has only cute cuddly Iowan secrets. Marry him, Andi. Marry him!!

But don’t marry Brian. I’m done with Brian. He is STILL announcing / asking her if he can kiss her. Seriously? Seriously?!

Anyways. As bizarre as this date was, Josh M. was having a straight up panic attack. Me thinkest he doth protest too much. Not only did he throw a fit during the test, but he kind of attacked Andi about it later. Their good night hug was stone cold!

And the hits did not end there on this group date. We even got JJ from the back corner with some anger. I don’t think I’ve heard him do anything more than giggle or talk about pants, and he really laid down some dark wisdom tonight. Did some producers drug him with Veritaserum? (what up HP nerds!) There was no reason for him to say that he’s sick of people celebrating when other people get roses. JJ, nobody likes this. As Chris said—go suck on sour grapes.

Finally, you guys. It happened. CODY GOT A DATE.

Do you know how I knew Cody was definitely going home tonight? Because for some reason the only thing she could get excited about were his eyes. And she brought him to the birth place of Romeo and Juliet. The most romantic love story ever… Jk jk jk.

In better news, I have found my life’s calling. There are people who literally just read everyone’s love letters and then respond as Juliet? Yes. All of the yes. Especially if I could do this job with Cody. I was giggle city has he was reading his response to that letter—he was so nervous and adorable and muscley all at the same time. And then he cried. Is that the hormones or emotions, Cody? I’m not sure I care either way. What more could a gal ask for?

Sorry—asked and answered. That jacket deep-v combo. Now THAT is all that a gal can ask for. He literally had more cleavage than Andi. Do I love it or hate it? Do I wanna box Cody or give him a teddy bear hug? He makes me feel so many feelings. Almost all confusing.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) Andi is not confused by her feelings towards Cody. Poor, poor Cody was literally begging her to take him to the end and Andi was just crying. She was crying from the second he started monologuing.

He handled this break up like a champ. Now I not only want to date Cody, I then want to break up with him because this is the sweetest break up I’ve ever seen. Cody, my sweet, sweet Cody, you will find someone in a snap.

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